Monday, November 12, 2007

My Achy-Breaky Heart

Of course I miss my kids like crazy; this is only natural. I am their mother. I watched them as they grew from tiny babies, into little toddlers that could manuever about the house with lightning speed. Bailie liked to blaze the trail in her walker proving that in fact, she could go wherever she wanted to (on the first floor). Durham, didn't like to be caged; he'd rather get around slowly on his own without some contraption holding onto him; free. I used to call him the great Houdini because anywhere I placed him that had a strap or a belt or two openings for his legs, he could get out of it; no matter how tight. The great Houdini. Then handing Durham over to the surgeon, Jimmy talks often of this; how difficult that was for him; for me, that part was ok, I felt he was in capable hands, the part that was so hard for me, was when Durham had to fast at 3 weeks old for 24 hours prior to going in to surgery. He hollered out cries to let me know that he was hungry; not angry, just letting me know. That was difficult, but not nearly so as when he stopped crying for food, it was like he knew he wasn't going to get anything from me, and so with his good-natured spirit, he realized there was no point in crying about it, so he stopped, even though the hunger was still there and getting stronger. He stopped crying. So, I was beside them, but not nearly long enough; Bailie was 7 & Dee was only 4 1/2 when Jimmy got Spinal Meningitus and I took him in for brain surgery to relieve his intracranial hypertension with a shunt, and not long after, I decided that I needed to go to nursing school to take care of the family. I realized this morning however, that the ache in my heart for them is more than just being with them and caring for them; more than just being their mother. Bay & I went everywhere together. Jim used to work long hours, sometimes not even coming home at nite, and so it was Bay & I against the world, and then came Baby D, and he joined us in our travels, to perhaps Bay's horror, and Durham didn't like it any better than Bay did; shopping is just not a boy's inborn gift, but when we found out that the boy was born with a basketball in his hand, then when we got a chance, we would head out to play a game, and he didn't like it if I went easy on him; he wanted my full game. Now, he's hitting every shot, and it is me that needs him to go easy. Anyway, I understand that it's more important for me to be their mom, than for me to be their friend, but the truth is that we have been good friends also, and I miss them so so much! I miss my shopping buddy, and I miss hitting the hoops with my boy, and where are those wonderful stories that I love to read so much; well I suppose they are still there; hidden in the treasure of a child's book. For a girl who didn't feel that she had much of a childhood; well I got my second chance, I did, but like an adolescent who's grown up and moved on to adult responsibilities, I wish I could go back to my youth; relive the wonder of it all over again!

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